My brother once dated a girl named Lisa. Lisa had a football shaped head that begged to be punted, and didn’t like me. (That probably requires its own post along with a full evaluation by a psychologist, but my brother explained it to me like so: Lisa’s youngest sister was an irresponsible, childish, selfish, immature, spoiled brat. What’s that got to do with me, you ask? I want to know, too. But apparently, she projected those feelings onto me, her boyfriend’s younger sister, though Lisa herself was younger than me, and I was, at the time, at most, a quarter of those things. Her little sister was an awful person, by all accounts. I never met her, though.)
Every holiday, my family has huge dinner parties because we like to eat, and we love to socialize with each other. I’m sure you all know that from reading this blog. Mostly we like to eat, though.
Lisa began attending these holiday dinners, and bringing her own dishes. Two years in a row, she brought a ham dish – I believe a ham roast of some sort, I never looked at it because I don’t like ham steak all that much.
One year, a few days after the dinner, I was digging through the fridge for leftovers to make myself a sandwich or some ramen, whatever. My mother suggested trying the ham, as “Lisa made it, she worked pretty hard on it and you never eat it. No wonder she doesn’t like you.” (Okay, fine, my mom didn’t say those last words, but they were heavily implied.) I believe Lisa was in the kitchen at the time – fixing herself something to eat, perhaps – so I shrugged and accepted the slices Lisa offered me, added it to my meal, and ate it. It was fine – it didn’t make me love ham – but within a few hours, I was curled in the fetal position, unable to move, unable to keep food in me by any means. If I drank something, I would immediately throw it back up. I didn’t bother to try to eat anything, as I found myself in the bathroom more often than not the first 24 hours. (Sorry! I know this is a food site, but really, with a title like The Art of Poison, did you expect something pretty?)
It isn’t so odd to get sick from food, but I stayed sick for a full week, unable to eat, hardly able to drink anything. I lost 15 lbs, which was only slightly less than 15% of my body weight. No one else got sick from the ham, a fact that everyone is quick to point out, but Lisa never did like me and I’m fully convinced that she poisoned me and me alone. I have no idea how she did it – especially so quickly and on the fly like that – but I am POSITIVE she poisoned me.
Lisa eventually left the picture (thank God), but to this day, I can’t smell ham steak without gagging. Worst of all, though, following that, I didn’t eat pork or pork products (aside from bacon) for a good 5 years, and after that, extremely cautiously. Pork chops? Not a chance! Pork belly. Pulled pork. Pork ribs. Pork… pork… pork!!! I blame her for my dearth of pork pigging out, something I completely regret as I now love pork and can’t even imagine life without it!
If you’re reading this, fuck you, Lisa.
Beth says
This is funny. I thought it was going to be a vegetarian rant against slaughtering pigs or something. It is rough to get sick around the holidays, it has happened to me. Usually from contact with germy family members…
Feisty Foodie says
Haha, I see you’re new here 😉 I’m definitely not a vegetarian, though I do eat meatless meals. Welcome! Glad you liked 🙂
Stephanie says
Now I fully understand the reason why you did not like pork for the longest time..
By the way, glad comments are back and I’m enjoying your new (type of) posts greatly.
Feisty Foodie says
Thanks Stephanie! I’m enjoying writing them, even the painful memories like above.
Goats says
the morale of the story is never accept food from people who hate you….or that you hate. I agree–you DEFINITELY got poisoned.
Feisty Foodie says
Thanks, Goats! I know you’ve always got my back. Except when we play each other in fantasy football 😉
Sarah says
Great post! I love this description of your brother’s ex. Glad she’s out of the picture, for your sake!
Feisty Foodie says
Thanks Sarah – I have a really funny ‘close call’ story to that, but I doubt very much that I should share it in a public forum 😉
D says
I no longer like people named Lisa. Fuck you Lisa!!
Feisty Foodie says
Thanks for having my back!
hungry says
Too bad because real ham is pretty awesome. I’m still not convinced she made a real ham. Hahaha!
Feisty Foodie says
I don’t think that’s the point… : P the smell of ham steak/ham roasts/ham makes me want to barf! I can’t get close enough to ham, real or not, to find out if real ham is actually as awesome as you say.
Carol Smith Ferguson says
I thoroughly enjoyed this! Thank you so much.
And your targeting could not have been more clear. Wily, that one.
Feisty Foodie says
It’s like she was carrying whatever it was on her at all times JUST IN CASE such a situation came up. You know, now that I think about it, I hope her sister’s OK. Even if she isn’t a nice person, poisoning people is so not OK.
T.C. says
More ham for the rest of the us.
I don’t really eat ham steak though.
Su-Lin says
Great post! Wasn’t expecting it at all but yeah, Lisa sounds like a murderous cow.
Feisty Foodie says
I absolutely love “cow” as an insult.
SkippyMom says
If I ever see Lisa I promise to 1. Trip her and 2. *Accidently* drop a [ham] steak knife, point down, into her back. While she is still on the floor. heehee
My brother’s third wife’s name was LisSa. Yes, the pretentious little second S. She never cooked and her excuse was she was a bad cook. I told her if she could read she could cook. She was just too lazy [or it could be that she really couldn’t read- with her it was possible]. I honestly have never met a person in my life who spoke faster or lied more.
The funniest thing she ever did was get triple D breast implants and immediately try and lose 30 lbs. She succeeded [and she was thin to begin with!] She looked like a poor stick figure person drawn by a 13 year old boy who really likes boobies. If you can imagine.
yeah, never much cared for the Lisas of the world.
SkippyMom says
Since this is the internet, let me clarify – I am absolutely kidding about the tripping and the dropping of the knife. I hearby declare I mean no Lisa, anywhere, harm. Promise.
Feisty Foodie says
Hahahahaahahah!!! Thanks for sharing – your comments made me laugh like a loon 😉
Samantha says
I really enjoyed this mainly because i’ve been reading your blog for years and several times you’ve mentioned being pork-poisoned by one of your brother’s exs and finally here it is explained! 🙂
Feisty Foodie says
It all comes full circle! Aren’t you glad you stuck around to hear the full details? 😉