Simpler Times Pilsner

Trader Joe’s, I applaud you for opening a new store in Chelsea. Not that it’s any closer to me, living on the Upper East Side, than the one off Union Square, but the new one feels more spacious, and I don’t mind (much) carrying so much home. I’d seen the Simpler Times beer before, but at the new store it just felt right. Also, it was 90 degrees out and a crisp pilsner seemed perfect to me.

A crisp pilsner? Yep. I know, I know, for $3.99 a six-pack — far cheaper than even mass-produced fizzy yellow lagers from the Big Beer Companies — and in cans to boot, I mean, that’s disposable beer right there, what could I expect? All I really want from a 67-cent can of beer is a little bit of flavor, nothing seriously wrong, and eventually, my nickel deposit back. I’d love to find out that Minhas, the Simpler Times brewer, managed to make a solid pilsner with a noticeable hop bite and clean malt flavors, but that’s all wishful thinking at this price point. How about, just be better than Busch?

Well, not so fast. Minhas is a large brewery, but they mainly churn out contract beer judging from their site, though they don’t specify which brands are “theirs”. And as a huge brewer, it’s almost certain they sort of bought up old nostalgic beers, like, say, Hamm’s, and make that beer for the old-timers and hipsters. Simpler Times smacks of that, also. The can says “Since 1845”, but I’m betting that isn’t continuous or any single brand.

I pour the Simpler TImes Pilsner into a Schlitz glass my dad used to drink his Miller Lite from. Lowering expectations straight out of the gate, I’m at least comforted that the beer looks right: clear, pale gold, fizzy, kicking up an enormous, fluffy white head that sticks, and sticks around. The head carries with it a kind of corny aroma, undoubtedly from DMS (a fermentation byproduct) rather than actual corn, with some wet hay and even a hop or two. In short, the beer acquits itself pretty well to this point.

Tastewise? Well, it’s fair to say that the Simpler Times Pilsner is completely inoffensive. There’s almost nothing there — a little pilsner malt crackery-haylike maltiness, a touch of sugary sweetness, perhaps the slightest hop flavor, without any noticeable bitterness — simply not interesting. There’s also no finish, no aftertaste really, to speak of. It’s really the definition of “meh.”

So in short, Minhas manages to make a boring pilsner; it will never be mistaken for a craft-brewed specimen, though to be fair to the brewery, a $3.99 price tag does not scream “I’m complex!” It does check in at 5.5% alcohol by volume — a touch higher than your usual pilsner — and it doesn’t pretend to be anything more than it is. If I drank this beer blind, I’d say it tastes like a really good… um, malt liquor. Except that it would taste really good ice-cold after mowing the lawn, perhaps, or in a cooler at the beach. Knowing that this beer is probably exclusively brewed for Trader Joe’s, people who shop at TJ’s will recognize you as a fellow aficionado of the chain, worth a few cool points. And you won’t be supporting the even larger big beer conglomerates. If that’s your thing, instead of opting for more expensive beer with a more challenging taste, I wholeheartedly suggest drinking Simpler Times instead of your regular beer of choice.