Growing up, I always heard “You can’t go home again” and I wondered what it meant. Why can’t you go home again, I would wonder. I asked my parents many times if I could come home again, years down the line- would they still let me in the house? Would they still let me stay with them even years after I’d moved out, and I supposed, after I’d started my own family?
They always assured me that of course I could come home. Of course I could stay with them, my own family in tow or not.
So I thought maybe the saying was based in the fact that many American families move after, I believe the statistic runs, 7 or 8 years. I decided we would keep the house I grew up in, and aimed to keep it for myself. When it became apparent we were not moving anywhere anytime soon, the saying came back to me. What does it mean?
Finally, I left for college… and when I came back after a month, things had changed. I’d been gone and furniture had been moved around; I can’t go home again. I begged my parents to leave everything the same for my next visit, but again, things had changed- small things, where the coffee was kept or the sugar bowl- you can’t deny that I felt misplaced. Different… it wasn’t the same place.
I moved out years ago, and still I go back – it’s only a borough away in Queens – but things aren’t the same. Mom no longer cooks for me. Some family members are gone; gone but not forgotten. Others have started their own families, in their own houses and homes. I’ve made my own home in Manhattan, but it has yet to give me the feeling that Mommy and Daddy’s house did- the warmth enveloping me, the safe feeling of being loved always, and always people around… and always, always, something yummy to eat- either now, or in the near future.
I don’t normally post about anything besides food here, because I keep a personal blog, and because I want this blog to be focused on the food. But undergoing a personal family crisis made me realize that food is tied so closely to “home” for me that I wanted to share this. I can’t go home again, to that carefree feeling as a kid, but I can aim to get close with the foods of my childhood.
I’ve been so painfully homesick recently (made stronger by the family crisis, I believe) that I’ve been dreaming of all the foods I ate as a child: macaroni soup (of my mother’s making), plain white congee with pickled radishes (I think? I can’t find them…), and other various “soothing” things she’d feed me when I was sick.
I can’t go home again… but I can get close through food.
RIP Grandpa. You will be missed. Thank you for teaching me how to enjoy life, food, and for being who you were, which in turn makes me who I am today.
ClaireWalter says
What a beautiful, eloquent post and lovely tribute to a dear grandparent. The subtext seemed to be that “home” and “food” are very intertwined deep inside us. I wonder whether children raised in “graze from the freezer and fridge” and “eat by yourself whereve and whenever you want” will, as adults, feel those linkages.
http://culinary-colorado.blogspot.com
Heidi B says
That is so true. I have moved several times since leaving home & my parents have too, all to various states in different time zones; but the one thing that makes my visits complete are favorite home-cooked meals.
sarah says
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather! Beautiful tribute.
eonyc says
Only recently found your blog and enjoy it as an aspiring foodie myself…my mother taught me that food can bring together all sorts of people (even our crazy family). My condolences at losing your grandfather…what a gift to have had such an important person shape your life.
SkippyMom says
I think that is why we have the saying “comfort food” … nothing says love and soothes like a dish we ate once a week for years as a child [chicken and dumplings anyone…feels like love to me]
This is a beautiful tribute and I am sorry for your loss. Truly. I know it hurts and I appreciate how sad you must be. Your grandpa was obviously an amazing man…your in that lineage somewhere, right?
Hugs to you Yvo. I am sorry.
[ps…is it my imagination or does your grandpa look like Matt Damon? Seriously…and please take that as a compliment and not just me being flip, ‘kay? I mean this with the utmost respect…he is a CUTIE!]
K Eng says
Food is the soul of the Chinese people.We connect with our past and our future. When the loss of one so close to us makes us realaize what we miss with their memories and their love. The food that they share, To teach the young and to show them how they care for you. Sorry for your loss.
Anonymous says
My condolences to you Yvo what an entry .. It’s been awhile since I’ve come here and I’m glad I did. This is probably my favorite post (both blogs :P). Lately I’ve been thinking about the same thing. I recently moved out for the first time (with the exception of college) It’s only been 3 months but I miss home so much and my mom. In school I was 500 miles away but this time we’re in the same borough only 5 miles away yet I miss home more now.
– Misslizz