She sat perfectly still, barely daring to breathe. Thoughts ran through her mind at a speed too fast to be clocked. She stared straight ahead at the television, not seeing the movie they had rented.
He lay sprawled on the bed, a few feet of bedspread between them. He was engrossed in the movie, seemingly unaware of her.
“Why do I feel so weird? We’re just hanging out as friends. Just because we never hung out alone before doesn’t mean anything. Just because we’re alone in his apartment doesn’t mean anything…”
The movie ended, and he popped in another tape. He sat back down. Was he closer to her or was she imagining things?
He was still absorbed in the movie. She was blankly staring. He slid an arm around her; at first she jumped, then relaxed into his embrace.
He turned and began kissing her. His hand pressed on one shoulder, his other was on her waist. She kissed back timidly; never before uncertain but now completely lost. Never was in a situation like this with someone she considered her friend.
She pushed him away and said “No, I’m sorry, I-” he cut her off “It’s okay, whatever, you don’t wanna kiss me, that’s fine.” She thought he was angry; she stayed quiet.
She liked him, and she did not want to. She knew she could not get hurt by him- she believed she could not get hurt by him. He thought he would hurt her; she laughed at this idea.
She still liked him. Liked him too much for this to be true, and did not care. She was careless.
The movie went on, and she was once again consumed by her thoughts. “What did that mean? Why did he kiss me? Does he like me, or is he just being a horny guy and think he can get something from me tonight? We’re just friends, how could he invite me to his place and think I’d fool around with him? He knows I’m not going to sleep with him, I told him I’m a virgin, he knows that. So what’s going on? Why do I feel so confused? This isn’t how I normally am… I don’t like this. What is he doing to me?”
He still had his arms around her. Without warning, he turned again and grabbed her chin firmly, gently, and tilted her head up for her. Kissed her roughly, needing her, wanting her mouth on his. A kiss that lasted a very long time; that one move sexy beyond anything in her life, almost forcing her to kiss him with his hand turning her face to him for her; sexy was her undoing.
A kiss that never ended as she fell into the pool of her own feelings.
She liked him a lot.
originally written & posted … 2003